Ugh...

Rob is constantly aggravated with me. :( I was rearranging his bulletin board. He was upset that I was breaking the hospital's rules. I was bringing him down to PT. He yelled at me that I didn't know what I was doing. His Speech Therapist gave me instructions on keeping his Memory Book log, etc. He threw it at me and said, "This is f-ing stupid!" :( He yells at me because there's an alarm on his wheelchair, because his food's too hot, because the nurses come in his room, etc., etc. I kissed the top of his head and told him I love him as we were heading down to the gymnasium and he said, "Stop pretending." :( That made me so sad.
I received the paperwork back that Loos needs. It's difficult to see his condition in writing. "Traumatic Brain Injury, severe cognitive compromise, post traumatic amnesia and physical impairment. Probable duration of condition: Unknown - anticipate several months." All I can say is :( .
I cried while driving here this morning. Elton John's, "I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues" was on the radio. I started reflecting on how life changes in the blink of an eye. All of a sudden, nothing's right. Nothing's normal. We've had so many difficult times and we never get a break. It's always struggle, worry, and struggle some more. Rob refused to even entertain the idea of a family vacation. "We're never going to have the money," he'd say. Me, I felt it important to the happiness of our family to just have fun together. We're always going to struggle. A vacation's not going to change that. The bills will still be there. The car's still going to be falling apart. Let's just forget about that stuff for a few days and enjoy each other's company. Give the kids some happy childhood memories.
We haven't had our vacation. Rob's still alive, thank goodness, but he's not "Rob" anymore. :( He's not smiling, laughing, or playfully teasing. His Speech Therapist even asked me if he ever smiled before his accident. He's very serious now.
I don't think we're going to get our fun family vacation. I expected as much, though not in this capacity.
What the heck am I going to do? Rob probably won't ever be able to function at work again. Neither one of us can navigate stairs well. At the moment we have no income. I'm a nervous wreck about insurance. My van's going to break down on me during this commute one of these days. I have my own impairments. :(
Ugh...