Sleeplessness isn't good.

So, my brother's son is working his way into the world and we are all eager for his grand entrance. It's making for a restless night of excitement and anticipation.
While in a state of insomnia, I have been reminiscing about the experiences I had with the miracle of birth. I vowed I would never put myself through it a second time after somehow surviving Mindy's delivery. Funny how now I feel heartbroken over not having the means for reproduction anymore. The series of events which followed Joel's delivery remind me that I might not have survived the ordeal a third time, quite literally, however. I am so extremely grateful for the blessing of the family we have. :)
I'm trying to figure out how these thoughts turned to my nightmare that began at 11:15 pm on July 22, 2010.
I hate not being able to sleep. My head is spinning in circles of hoping my sister-in-law is doing okay, enduring labor. Then thinking about my go around. And reliving pulling up to the accident scene. I can't begin to fathom why my brain is tying in such wonderful events with such horror. I hate July 22, 2010. I hate the vision of that dreadful motorcycle on the side of the road beyond the commotion of emergency responders and flashing lights. I hate the panic I heard in our children's cries when we saw the pieces of the front end of the bike, crumpled on the road beneath the rear quarter panel of the pick-up, and the helplessness that overcame me as I collapsed to the ground beside the trooper's car. I hate the haunting memory of saying goodbye to Rob as he was prepped for LifeFlight transport, being bagged to pump air into his lungs. I can't imagine what the children were going through as they sat in the hospital parking lot, watching the helicopter take off with their dad and not even able to be comforted by their mom. :(
My thoughts keep circling this way and it's making me crazy! I don't know how traumatic things were for Rob when Joel was whisked away to the NICU and I was taken to emergency surgery. It must not have been pleasant whatsoever. I pray all goes smoothly with our new nephew's delivery. I am ecstatic about welcoming him to the family and am so happy for my brother and sister-in-law that they will soon experience falling in love with their child. I want to be able to fill my sleepless night with pleasant things, not the utter rottenness of July 22, 2010.
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